coffee brake :)

psychelistic

i can't say anything smart. i feel numb and bored. my dreams slip away into the darkness as soon i wake up. had painted nails twice a day, brush hair and teeth, clean around a little bit but it's all. i'm waiting for a conclusion. what reminds me psyche, mythological character whom venus gave tasks to do to prove be worthy of eros' love. since psyche had discover eros face she was lost him. "trust above all", he said. yes, love is about a really big blind jump of faith. now she wants him back and is ready to do anything. 
at first Venus gave psyche to worry and sadness, to be whipped and tortured. nice. after that venus demand that she sort a great mass of cereal. wee. then she has to fetch golden wool from violent sheep. good. Then she is send to underworld to get a dose of proserpina's beauty. yay. and at last she fells on a bewitched sleep. great. 
so the myth show us how to overcome a lost love whether we fail in the trust part -- cry your eyes out, do some absorbing task, fistfight someone, then die and sleep forever. beautiful advice from the greeks.
in the same apuleios' eros and psyche book the protagonist lucius regains human form after been bewitched, by eaten roses. kinda kidding, right? did we learn nothing from psyche tragedy? will we fall in love again? no, is the right answer. back off, greek myths!
not entirely true. in fact psyche wait the bugs select the cereal, collect wool from branches and she peek on the forbidden box, stupid girl. which means there is a time to suffer, a time to wait, a time to reccollect and a time to deeply grieve and finish it.
job done. easy, huh?

what?

now i'm angry >:(

some

algumas delicadezas deveriam permanecer quietas, sem serem tocadas nem em sonho. algumas inocencias nunca deveriam sair às ruas em busca de abrigo. algumas existências são apenas o que são. alguns amores deveriam cantar no coração. only.

#lostinindia

 



things change. all the time.

Phir le aaya dil majboor kya keeje
Raas na aaya rehna door kya keeje
Dil keh raha use maqammal kar bhi aao
Wo jo adhoori si baat baaki hai
Wo jo adhoori si yaad baaki hai
Wo jo adhoori si yaad baaki hai

Karte hain hum aaj qabool kya keeje
Ho gayi thi jo humse bhool kya keeje
Dil keh raha use mayassar kar bhi aao
Wo jo dabi si aas baaki hai
Wo jo dabi si aanch baaki hai
Wo jo dabi si aanch baaki hai
Wo jo dabi si... aanch baaki hai

Kismat ko hai yeh manzoor kya keeje
Milte rahe hum badastoor kya keeje
Dil keh raha hai use musalsal kar bhi aao
Wo jo ruki si raah baaki hai
Wo jo ruki si chaah baaki hai
Wo jo ruki si chaah baaki hai
Wo jo ruki si chaah baaki hai...

singing again

wae jakku naegeseo domangchinayo
wae jakku naegeseo meoreo jinayo
naegyeote isseojwoyo
nae soneul jabajwoyo
nal sarang handamyeon

Happy Diwali to you too :)

michige mandeureo niga

two drops were sufficed to drown the last memory, submerged cup, the last whisper, wisp breath who aspired my soul, to get rid the skin of the warm  subtle and insistent feeling of touch that left no trace but bones which refused to release your sigh even an little eternity.that's not why i cried, my tears made ​​no difference, it was the feeling that sprang from the beginning fate had already been accomplished before your first words reached me . if i am not guessing would i be happier? if you believe would have acted with more cautious hands? would be my gestures less careless? do we know? do we can?what could or not, what i should or did, what you wanted and nor, none of those means anything now because a flower did not live long, neither weed.the earth absorbs the life the yearning the despair attempts fights breathings flows phlegms sap and after that, ashes, baby, ashes.it's a losing fight from the beginning. who decides is not a mind or a heart, is the misunderstanding. it's what i tell myself when i forget that i don't have you anymore, and hopefully you appear suddenly around  any shadowy corner, as the ones that live in me. with the same sadistic smile on your face. while i try very hard to destroy any trace of you or me.
i've had an epiphany. Vino veritas.

*  *  *

the feeling i'm living 

in recurrent rewind 

of true blood

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how to be greater than fate

you don't know if you are until he finds you and slaps your face so hard that you can't move your legs for days. face, legs, body, you know, are connected. so when fate came in your direction, avoid it as much as you could. no reason for that, it will catch you, sooner or later. but run. despite everything, run like hell.

after some time you will feel a dumb feeling everywhere. your dreams will be about fire and disasters but its ok, you can wake up and disregard that, start your day like all is well and go to bed at night like your life is about nothing unusual. and roll into sheets asking help to a god, any god, and receive silence as answer because you are trying too hard to be greater than fate.

relax. accept you are flaw, are not perfect and are the most stupid person on earth. then cry. give special effort in this part, cry your eyes out. for real. because was a big load over your head. face it, you are really small compared to everything around you. your family is much more powerful, society is even more, global warming will kill you if you survive now, or death, universe is bigger and bigger. the neighbor cat is more powerful than you, face it. lay on the ground and wait the sky fall on you, let it do it, the falling, the smashing, all the destruction from tail to top.

soon you'll realize it didn't fell at all, was your heart crushing, your mind melting, your bones.... breathe. breathe again. once more. stop breathing now, 20 minutes and you'll be fine.

however if you start breathing again (happens everytime), accept your body want to be here for more.

Next day do the same. after some days, weeks, months... you will, you know, be alive again. 



(have found Adele singing something about it. funny. maybe)

 

morning :*

don't hold yourself like that you'll hurt your knees i kissed your mouth and back but that's all i need don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down what i am to you is not real what i am to you you do not need what i am to you is not what you mean to me you give me miles and miles of mountains and i'll ask for the sea don't throw yourself like that in front of me i kissed your mouth your back is that all you need? don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down what i am to you is not real what i am to you you do not need what i am to you is not what you mean to me you give me miles and miles of mountains and i'll ask for what i give to you is just what i'm going through this is nothing new no no just another phase of finding what i really need is what makes me bleed and like a new disease he's still too young to treat volcanoes melt me down he's still too young i kissed your mouth you do not need me

30º

warm night, passing clouds, you lying on bed, drooling on the pillow, your hand inside the boxer just because, i imagine you only ... you soon will jump out of bed, will fight with tie, feel a mildly sweet taste in the mouth without reminding the reason (it was last night, when i’ve bitting your lip a bit too strong) but you'll disguise it when brush your teeth, will pass a comb in your black hair and recollect my fingers running through them, wipe the glasses and put them on the nose, will check if are there on wallet everything you need (money, documents, train ticket, condoms), cellphone in the pocket, you'll leave home slamming the door and lose yourself in the colorful confusion of mumbai ....

your absence will be with me whole day, i'll wring my hands without anyone seeing, turn on the radio, turn off the lights, will stop breathing without realize it, i'll forget what i was doing, will agree without knowing what was spoken, be sad with no apparent reason, and start thinking in rhymes while hold my hair with your imaginary fingers, i'll remember that your heart does not beat for me, i'll curse that smile on the wall, i'll decided to forget you and get away, floundering, i will repent and turn back, i will be looking for you, i know, without find you in the crowded streets of mumbai ...

i’ll let my smile fool everyone, to do my work with perfection while the sky falls on me, so many stars, so many! even my eyes hurt, my stomach hurts, my breast hurt, my lungs hurt, so many stars and suns moving wildly inside me, and will fix the house, feed the dog with numb hands, they will wake up when i could run again my fingers through your hair, by your bush, your moist skin in the heat of the night, but my smiles are not fake, they are sad, because they do not smile for your arrival coming from the humid night of mumbai ....

when my heart be suffocate and i could no longer bear it i will delete those all, everything you sent me and will throw away all the words and decide never deceive me, will swear to be strong and to measure my boundaries, i'll heard the last song, sang the last howl, shake my last heart, drop last tear while my heart is ripped off like dirty clothes by your teeth, and your cold heart will never never reach me catch me touch me, then i could stay leaning on the wall watching the sun going down through the line of cold water, drowning in the ocean, in the same ocean where i drown my love for you. then you will call me again, you'll say hi as if there had never been conflict or doubt, i will have lost the certainty, my legs will be weak, my heart will sing again and i'll lose myself one more time in the sweet dream of mumbai...

* * *

calm down. i'm a writer ;) 

我的心已經飛到這個城市的另一邊

oh my gosh. a korean drama with hot scenes. i cant believe. they even trully kiss! what is happening with the world? ;)

* * *

어떡해?

ah, the tie...

;)

virtually alive

it's fun to have someone to talk to, to have a conversation that looks like the ones i have with myself. my mind usually satisfies itself, because i always have something interesting (for me) to say, an unusual comparison, an absurd concept developed on the brink of madness, memories which provide critical references due to parallels. illustrational. i have read enough to paint confluent landscapes and to question just about everything but cake recipes (chemistry haunts me in my nightmares).

i pleased observe the possible movements in my desires and expectations regarding virtuallity. i admit i can be really a pain in the ass, since i rationalize even in interrows, but there is required an understanding that i never make based-on-emotions decisions, considering resulted disaster when i did so. then i can seem cold to whom observes from some distance, though my heart be writhing in pain, turning into ashes, being dragged by the currents.
you shall not pass.

it's disturbing when i'm out of guard and realize that aliens feelings has began to breakthrough the microvilli barrier scarcely erected.

in all there requires to make a leap of faith to extends credit to the authenticity, fact. but this concession is even more evident when it comes to what is written. there is no truth per se, we are the agents on how we attribute sense and meaning to words that are, strictly speaking, only signs in the plan. 

but just like in real life --where we can read the features and analyze the body language getting subsidies for nonverbal content understanding-- much of the analysis is influenced by the observer, who designs his own inconsistencies in the object, and pass to nourish expectations that the other --who is not really there-- to behave and react in accordance with that expectations. Human absurd, long sentence, and Heisenberg will not let me amazing alone.

subjectivity is a monologue.
mistaken who thinks that rationality serves to solve puzzles and dig gold only. we rationals are seeing every single tiny thing. 

* * * 

dream is free

everybody have a crazy dream, something to cling when is pissed off, like a revenge against established and all around. my personal revenge is a tattoo which i will do everytime i want say "stop it!". or cut my hair. dream is free, why not to do a yakuza tatoo? beautiful! this is my delusional dream :) however, not yet. for now i will be pleased with a small one, for start, like a blue dragonfly, as protection to illusion, as a memo do not be silly. which one, i wonder...

*  *  *

Seashells travel like warm girls.
Wave roughly like a rough cloud.
The sunny pirate calmly fights the sail.
Cold, clear tunas roughly fight a clear, cold wind.
Never love a ship.

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folds

Then she didn't tore the spiteful message even realizing that dripped a hot and sour poison. Didn't tore the message, did not delete the cruel lines, not parted of any unwillingness or silence. No memory would be lost, even the most petty, indifferent, critical and unnecessarily mean. Because we are made ​​of shadows, and in the folds of folds of the shadows we walk aimlessly. there is no one place to arrive but oblivion, then we walk alone. Where would take us if we choose the kind words only, gestures of appreciation, affection and promises of love? These are rare, as the sincere compliments declined, the gentle refusals which slowly hurts, the long kiss in no hurry to arrive. Rare are the friends who accept us, the ones who return, rare the ones who living. Everything becomes rare when we look back and we see the road more coursed than what we have ahead. What we still could wait? When all loves are gone, we'll still hear promisses? So she folded with lover's care the rough rejection, and save it close to the heart. For the darkest hours.

作为国王的客人

strangely i have got this dragon by conquering a kingdom, this that twines in my left arm, that one which was uninhabitable. a red tattoo made ​​of hope. then following i was my path when i found something shining which, childishly, i reached out to touch. shamelessly. heedlessly. now i feel the grip, it will not let me go. so yang. but behold flies again, and is not made of water. may have given up to look into the ravines but those are not my cliffs. the advice coming from ages ago is to act as a guest of the king. how? i can only wait while that force -so yang!- try his wings hovering over the depths.
moral of the story: do not touch.

***

all lights drown on mist, misty jackhammers
grumpy flowers loudly sing pop
corners talk to missing doors
never buy a driver

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